The Lord of the Hamsters
by Naz
Summary: Frodo inherits the One Hamster, forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fuzz of Mt. Doom, aka Fuzzy! Now he sets out to destroy it. LOTR parody. no slash. read & review, PLEASE! Redone (some stuff was wrong in the original)!!
1. Starting Out

The Lord of the Hamsters (specifically the Hamtaro one)  
  
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OK, OK, what happened here folks was back in the good ol' days, the Elves got threes hamsters of power, the Dwarves got seven, and the Men got nine. Then the Dark Lord Sauron made one to rule them all: The Master Hamster. It was.. a Hamtaro hamster!!  
  
It enabled Sauron to enslave & destroy a bunch of places, some places just gave in because they thought the One Hamster was soooo cute. But the Last Alliance of Men and Elves went to Barad-dur and had a little siege. Sauron got mad, knocked a few Men and Elves around, humming "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor." So after he killed Elendil, Isildur grabbed Narsil who was broken, and cut off the Hamtaro around Sauron's finger. Sauron was upset that he had lost the little bugger, and went into Modor's wilderness and cryyyyyyyed.. Meanwhile alliance leveled Barad-dur. Isildur didn't throw the One Hamtaro back into Mount Doom, known as Fuzzy by the Mordor locals, 'cause he said, well, quote: "It's so KAWAII!!!!!!!!"  
  
So Isildur kept the Hamtaro. And It got so mad at him it decided to call some orcs to kill him off. Then the little bugger-It's immortal, you see- put on diving gear and a thousand-something year's supply of oxygen tanks and went down to the bottom of Anduin until Deagol found It and Smeagol said, "It's meh b-day and I want the little bugger!" So he choked his best friend to get it. If you wrap the little bugger 'round your finger you turn invisible. So Smeagol became Gollum and soon, after a few, what, hundred years?-why'd It wait THAT long?-It left Gollum. So Bilbo Baggins found It and took it home.  
  
It always acted dead. So now we've brought you up to date, so, read on!  
  
Gandalf knocked on Bilbo's door at Bag End in the Shire. It was the day of Bilbo's & his nephew (cousin actually) Frodo's birthday & they were having a big party, & a bunch o' hobbits were invited. Bilbo opened it (the door). "Hey, Gandalf, come on in! How are you?"  
  
"Fine," Gandalf said. "Except for your nephew jumping onto my cart. He was aiming for a hug, but fell into the fireworks. Boy, did the kids enjoy that!"  
  
"Is he hurt? The girls'll hate that," Bilbo said.  
  
Gandalf chuckled. "No, he's not hurt. He's OK. Ummm... Can I have some tea?"  
  
"Oh yeah. Come on."  
  
So they drank tea and Bilbo said he was going through with his plan and he said he felt thin & stretched like butter scraped over too much bread. "Mmm, bread n' butter!" Gandalf said. Bilbo glared at him. "Sorry," Gandalf said quietly.  
  
"Aanyywayyy," Bilbo sighed. "I'm going on a long holiday & I won't be coming back. Anyway, it's almost party time! Yeah yeah! So lemme get spruced up and I'll be out in half a moment! Chaa!" Bilbo disappeared down the hall.  
  
"Okayyy," Gandalf shook his head. "I hope Elrond will be able to handle him."  
  
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It was the party, the Long-Expected Party. Girls were around Frodo Baggins, who, duh, is Bilbo's nephew-actually, his cousin-& heir to Bag End like he was the main course for dinner. He made Samwise Gamgee, his best friend, dance with Rosie. "'Cause she's your girlfriend!" Frodo sang into Sam's ear. He pushed him into Rosie and they danced off. Well, Rosie was dancing. Sam didn't know how, really.  
  
So Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck & Peregrin (Pippin, Pip) Took went and blew up a tent letting off the dragon firework that was SUPPOSED to be the signal for dinner. So they had to do the dishes.  
  
Then Bilbo got up for his speech and took out something from his pocket. After he said, "Bye", he disappeared!  
  
So everyone got in a tizzy, and Invisible Bilbo walks into Bag End & takes off.. a hamster! Curled around his finger! Then he stuffed It in his pocket.  
  
Gandalf spooked him by saying, "I guess you think you're so FA-nny, hm?"  
  
"Ohh, Gandalf, it was just a bit o' fun!" Bilbo whined.  
  
"There are many magic hamsters in this world, Bilbo Baggins, and none of 'em should be taken lightly," Gandalf growled.  
  
"You're probably right," Bilbo said, packing. "You will keep an eye on Frodo?"  
  
"Three eyes," Gandalf said. Bilbo's eyes went wide. "Gotcha! TWO eyes, as often as I can spare them," Gandalf finished.  
  
"Oh yeah, um Frodo gets the hamster. Actually, I wanna keep it. It'sssssssssssss mine, my own, my Preciousssssssssssssssss," Bilbo cooed, petting the hamster.  
  
"OK, creepy, hand over the ball of fluff. Izzat so hard?" Gandalf asked.  
  
Bilbo shrugged. "Yes, no, maybe so!" he said. "But I'm keeping it!"  
  
Gandalf went all big & creepy on Bilbo. "BILBO BAGGINS!!" he yelled. "WHEN I TELL YA HAND IT OVER, YOU HAND IT OVER, WAKARIMASHITAKA?!?" (a/n: wakarimashitaka is Japanase for do you understand)  
  
Bilbo whimpered & Gandalf got small & normal again. They hugged- awwwwwwwwww-& so finally Bilbo gave It up & went off to Rivendell. When Gandalf tried touching the hamster, which Bilbo had let fall on the floor, he got a flash of a fiery eye. "Whoo!" Gandalf said. "Clear Eyes, anyone?"  
  
--------------------------  
  
So when Frodo ran in, he found the hamster in the doorway, & Gandalf by the fire, smoking, & muttering. Frodo was going on & on about how Bilbo kept talking about leaving. "I didn't think he'd do it. Gandalf?" Frodo said, poking Gandalf.  
  
The old guy turned to smile at Frodo and the hamster. "Bilbo's hamster," he smiled. "He's gone to stay with the Elves in Rivendell." Grin grin. "He's left you everything." He made Frodo put the hamster in an envelope & told him to "keep it secret, keep it safe." And then he said, "And awayyyy I go!" and was gone.  
  
  
  
So.... 17 years later.........  
  
Frodo went home after an evening at the Green Dragon with Sam-and Rooosiiiiie- and the windows were open & papers were everywhere. Gandalf jumped out of the shadows, scared Frodo half to death, and asked, "IS IT SECRET? IS IT SAFE??"  
  
So Frodo fished out the envelope, after looking for an hour in his room, he remembered it was in a chest, took it out, Gandalf grabbed it, and- GASP!-flung it into the fire.  
  
Frodo went B E R S E R K. "WHAT'RE YOU DOING?!?!" he screeched.  
  
"It already has power over you??" Gandalf panicked.  
  
"I dunno what the heck that's supposed to mean," Frodo said. "HELP! HELP! SPCA! SPCA! ANIMAL ABUSE!!"  
  
Gandalf yelled, "WILL YA SHADDAP & SIT DOWN, YA MEXICAN JUMPING BEAN?!?" So Frodo's plopped down on a chair & shutted upped. Then Gandalf picked the lightly toasted hamster out of the fire. "Hold out your hand, Frodo," he said.  
  
"Whaaaat??" Frodo said. Gandalf said, "Will ya take it already?! It's not burning hot; it's cool!" So plop went the li'l bugger into Frodo's hand. Gandalf got up. "Is anything coming out of its mouth?" he asked.  
  
Frodo shook his head. "Nope. Nothin'." Gandalf smiled, relieved. Then! "Waiit.." Frodo said. "It's- EGADS, it's spitting out a strip of paper! There's glowy letters on it. I can't read 'em."  
  
Gandalf sighed. "There are few who can," he said, turning to Frodo. "The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here."  
  
"Mordor?" Frodo asked. He was creeped out: Mordor? Wasn't that an evil place he'd heard of,...once?  
  
"Yuppers," the old, bent Gandalf sighed. "In the Common toungue it says:  
  
One hamster to rule them all, one hamster to find them, one hamster to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them."  
  
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So Gandalf gave Frodo a little story time: he told him allllllllll about the One Hamster. It creeped Frodo out a bit. MwahahaHAHA-sorry. So anyway, he got SO creeped out he tried to offer It to Gandalf! "Don't temp me Frodo!" Gandalf said. "I would mess a bunch of stuff up. You would N O T like it; trust me."  
  
The Baggins squeezed the little bugger. "What must I do?"  
  
"You hafta leave," Gandalf said. "Your b-day at the latest."  
  
"Can't I leave now?"  
  
"You could."  
  
"OK."  
  
"Why now?"  
  
"Beats me. Seems better than waiting."  
  
"Um, OK. But get Merry to move yer stuff to Crickhollow."  
  
"Oky."  
  
"So I'll wait for ya at Bree, at the Sign of the Prancing Pony. Meanwhile, I gotta go see Saruman, 'the head of my order'. OK? OK. Now get dressed. I'll send for Merry."  
  
So Frodo got dressed & Merry came driving up in a huge wagon labeled "UHAUL." "Whaaaaaaaaaaat??" Frodo asked, but Merry just "u-" hauled all the stuff away. "See ya at Crickhollow!" Merry called back.  
  
So Gandalf & Frodo were back inside, Pippin was due to get to Bag End at any moment, when-GASP!-the bushes rustled! A spy of Sauron, no doubt! "Get down," Gandalf ordered Frodo, who fell flat on his face. So Gandalf went to the window sill, bopped something on the head, which said "oww" and he dragged it up.  
  
"Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee!" Gandalf yelled. "Have you been eavesdropping again?!"  
  
"Beggin' yer pardon, Mr. Gandalf sir, but there ain't no eaves on Bag End, & that's a fact," Sammie whimpered.  
  
"O, a wise guy, eh? Well, then, what'd ya hear?"  
  
"About a ring, an evil guy, sommin' about the end of the world, and.. **Elves.** I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLY wanna see Elvessss!! Really REALLY! But don't turn me into anythin' unnatural."  
  
Gandalf smirked. "Oh noo," said he. "You get to go with Frodo."  
  
"Yay!!" Sam said.  
  
"But you have to wait for Pippin."  
  
"Boo!!" Sam booed.  
  
"I'm goin' now," Gandalf said, and SKROOM, he was off. So Pippin popped up & so they set out for Rivendell. And so ends this first chapter. See you (the reader) later! 


	2. Three IS Company?

The Lord of the Hamsters!!  
  
*When we last left our hobbit pals, Frodo, Sam & Pippin were on their way to Crickhollow. Just to clarify, I am skipping between the book & the movie as to what shows up in this paradoy. Confuzzling, ne? *  
  
"We've been walking for hoooooooooooooouuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsssssss," Pippin whined. "Can't we rest?"  
  
"No!" Frodo said. "And besides, we haven't been walking for hours, we've only been walking for 20 minutes!"  
  
"Well it feels like hours," Pippin pouted.  
  
"Awwww, oody boody," Frodo said.  
  
But after a real two hours, they plopped down & went to sleep. Frodo woke up with a tree root digging into his back. He whined & muttered to himself about his beloved feather beds, then said all happy, "Wake up, hobbits! It's a beautiful morning!"  
  
Pippin woke up. His hair was frightening- it was a wreck. "What's beautiful about it?" he grumbled. "I was havin' a nice dream that it was me & Diamond-oops."  
  
"Keep going, little cuz," Frodo smirked. Pippin's mouth closed with an audiable SNAP.  
  
"Saaa-aam," Frodo sang. "Where's the water?"  
  
Sam mumbled in his sleep. "Oh, water? It's by the stream.."  
  
"Thankyou," Frodo grinned.  
  
"..Rosie."  
  
Frodo and Pippin stared at the sleeping Sam as he finished his sentence. Then Frodo yelled, "I AIN'T NO ROSIE!" Which of course woke Sam up in nothing flat. "Huh? Wha? Hubbawha?" Sam said.  
  
"Oyy.." Pippin moaned, grabbing his head.  
  
So they FINALLY got their water & food and set off again. Pippin started whining when-gasp!-they heard a horse a-coming! So Frodo said, "Let's hide." SaM & pippin said, "Whyy?" Frodo said, "'Cause if it's Gandalf, we can jump out saying OOGABOOGABOOGA! Now hide!" So Sam & Pippin ran off, but Frodo ended up hiding somewhere else.  
  
Clip clop. The horse came up. Frodo suddenly had the urge to wrap the Hamster around his finger. He drew It out of his pocket.  
  
"Sniff sniff." It drew closer. The thing above was sniffing. Frodo saw it.. it had a black horse, & it itself looked.. Sorta like a Grim Reaper wannabe. But it was really very frightening.  
  
"Sniff, sniff," it kept sniffing. "Drat, I NEED somethin' for my sinuses!" It finally rode away.  
  
The hobbits crawled out of their hiding places. "What WAS that?" Pippin asked.  
  
_*_*_-*_*_*_*__*  
  
So what about this "Black Rider"? It turns out there are eight more, Nine in all. Earlier this was the scene at their place, called Minas Morgul, in Mordor. Sorry, but they are not giving out house number & zip code. Anyway...  
  
Number One, the Witch King, was poring over a map. "Shire.. Shire.. Where in Middle-earth is this place?!" Number One screeched.  
  
The other eight ran up. "What're you all doing here?" Number One asked.  
  
"Sauron says we ALL have to go," grinned Number Five.  
  
"No fair!" whined Number One. "Besides, I can't find this Shire place."  
  
Number Three shook his head. "It's not Shire, it's Shire-Baggins! You heard what the ugly little bugger we tortured earlier said!"  
  
"I wasn't there," Number One pouted. "What was the torture?"  
  
"Watching Britney Spears music videos," Number Six grinned evilly.  
  
"Ooh, that one ALWAYS works! And I missed it!" Number One sighed. "Oh well. OK, do any of you Smartie Nazgul"-he glared at Number Three-"know where this Shire-Baggins place is?"  
  
The other eight shrugged. "We could always ask around," Number Nine said.  
  
Number One glared at him. "And look stupid? No way, Hon," he said. "That might get me demoted." The other eight rolled their eyes. "Come ON, we'll ALL get demoted just sitting around here!" Number Seven whined.  
  
So they set off. But they DID end up asking around, but in a creepy way 'cause they like to freak people out. Anyway, back to our hobbits!  
  
_*_*_*_*_*_(  
  
Frodo had told Sammie and Pip about the Rider and Pippin said, "Your talk of sniffing Riders with invisible noses has unsettled me." "Good, you need a good creeping out," Frodo smirked.  
  
Then-gasp!-another Rider came up, and they hid. "Sniff. Sniff. Durn nose," it said. Then, there was singing. The Rider ran off.  
  
"Those are the High Elves!" Frodo gasped.  
  
"Are they speaking the name of Elbereth?" Sam asked.  
  
"No," Frodo said.  
  
"Then how do ya know they're High Elves?"  
  
"Just 'cause. Come on, let's say hi!"  
  
So they jumped out of the bushes and said, "Hi, High Elves!" That freaked 'em out a bit. Aaaanywayy, Gildor, this Elf guy, said, "Hi, midge-I mean, Hobbits!" Grin; grin. "Wanna stay the night with us?"  
  
"Yea!" The hobbits yeaed. So they had a yummy dindin and-zzzz-a g'night's sleep. Frodo bugged Gildor about the Riders, and gave him confuzzling advice. Frodo shrugged at the end and said, "Um, OK, whatevah. G'night."  
  
Gildor shrugged too. "G'night, ya weird li'l hobbit," he muttered.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
The next morn, the Elves were gone, but they left food for the hobbits. Sam and Frodo ate, and Pippin already had earlier, and was running around singing like he was in The Sound of Music or something. Finally, they set off again. They skipped going to The Golden Perch, making Pip veeeeeeerrrrrryy sad. ;_; So they took a shortcut. They were almost to open land and Pip and Sam were singing when they heard a wailing cry.  
  
They were creeped out. "There were words in that cry, though I dunno what ones. No beast or bird in the Shire calls like that," Frodo said.  
  
"I heard the words," Sam said. "'Sale at Macy's!'"  
  
They kept walking and came out to open land. OH NO! GASP! ANYTHING can see 'em now! Then they saw a farmhouse type place. "Oh, Farmer Maggot's place! Me an' Merry know 'im!" Pip said happily, But Frodo stopped short and whined, "Ohhhhhh nooooooooo!!! ANOTHER trouble!"  
  
"Hubbawha? Wassa matter with ol' Maggot?" Pippin asked, cocking his head.  
  
"Um, I used to steal 'shrooms (mushrooms) from him," Frodo said sheepishly.  
  
"GASP!" (Pip & Sam.)  
  
"And he got his dogs to chase me off."  
  
"GASP!" (Sam & Pip.)  
  
"And he told them to.. uh, I forget, I think, make me pay the next time I trespassed on his place."  
  
"GASP!" (do I really need to tell you who says it?)  
  
Pip finally said, "Well, just come on. Everything'll be OK." So they went to Farmer Maggot's.  
  
The dogs came running out. Frodo went "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Grip, Fang, uhh.. You! Other dog! Heel!" Farmer Maggot called.  
  
"Hey, Farmer Maggot! What's up?" Pippin said.  
  
"The sky, young hobbit. Hey, it's Peregrin Took! How ya doin', eh?"  
  
"I'm OK. This is, um, Sam Gamgee & Frodo Baggins," Pip said, and Frodo was sure he would be meat in two seconds. But he wasn't. Doi doi.  
  
Farmer Maggot said, "Aw, heck, come on in! And, oh, I 'member you, Baggins. But not 'cause the 'shrooms. Some funny character came by askin' fer you. But I told 'im off before I called me dogs. Come on in fer supper."  
  
So the hobbits came in to eat dindin with the Maggots. Ugh. Heck of a last name, ne? Anyways, then they set off for Crickhollow..  
  
TBC 


End file.
